


Shh

by MessOfCurls



Series: Wax and Wane [14]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Climbing Class, College, Dissociation, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Public Sex, Quiet Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 17:57:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MessOfCurls/pseuds/MessOfCurls
Summary: There's more to the library than old books.(See tags)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesperadoRaspado](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesperadoRaspado/gifts).



> A gift for the wonderfully talented DesperadoRaspado, who was kind enough to do a trade with me and put up with my incessant art requests. Go do yourself a favour and check out their work.
> 
> Sorry it took so long, dude!

Chris shifted against the carpet, flexing his toes as he tucked one leg beneath the other. His foot was numb, but that was hardly surprising; it had been a while since he’d stood up. Rolling his shoulders, he settled back against the bookshelf behind him and adjusted his laptop screen as another video started up.

The library wasn’t one of their usual haunts, but sitting there sheltered from the miserable weather outside - a slate grey, nothing sort of day without even the promise of snow to add some much-needed charm - he was starting to see the appeal. Nestled between the rows of looming bookcases in their own quiet cul-de-sac, it was actually sort of cosy.

Granted, perhaps that trait wasn’t all that conducive to working, but he wasn’t there to work. He was pretty much up to date - the deadlines of his remaining assignments far enough away for him to relax - but he’d found stuff to do, working on his laptop until the lure of YouTube became too great. It didn’t really matter if he slacked off, though. He wasn’t there for himself.

The video played on. Chris half-watched, but soon found himself distracted. He glanced up at Josh, smile faltering just a touch.

Chris didn’t spend much time hitting the books on campus. He could count the number of times he’d ventured inside the library on one hand. But the past few days had seen his roommate spending time there alone; a break from his usual routine. And that was fine. Of course it was fine. Chris certainly didn’t begrudge his boyfriend spending time without him, whether alone or with friends of his own. But this was... different.

His gaze settled on the silent brunette, but Josh didn’t notice. Hunched over, eyes trained on the open book resting in his lap, he seemed oblivious to his surroundings.

A quick glance confirmed that he was staring at the same page he had been the last time Chris checked, and the time before that. In fact, it seemed like Josh had barely made any progress during the forty-something minutes that had passed since Chris began indulging in clickbait and let’s plays.

Chris tugged an earbud loose, letting it hang limp against his chest. “J?”

“Hm?”

“You okay?”

“Uh-huh,” Josh murmured, and the brightness of his reply might have been reassuring were it not for the faraway look in his eyes, still staring at the book.

Stifling a sigh, Chris fell quiet.

Yes, this was different. Chris knew that look. It didn’t take a genius to see that Josh was wrapped up in his own head again.

Josh had been sort of distant for a few days, but it wasn’t unusual to see this more retiring side of his friend. Growing up together, Chris had seen his fair share of it. But now, living in the same room, he felt the distance between them more acutely than before. Josh was quiet, and yes, that was fine too, but there seemed to be no end to it. He’d been quiet in their room, quiet on the bus, was quiet now amid the rows of books.

Their interactions had carried on in a way that almost passed for normal. Josh found the right answers to his questions, Chris couldn’t deny that. But there was only so much prompting he could do before the vague shows of acknowledgement got old.

Though loathed to admit it, it was starting to get to him.

Chris glanced at the laptop. Twelve percent battery remained. It wouldn’t be long until he was sitting in silence with nothing to do.

A moment’s indecision had him idly picking at Josh’s shoelaces. Pausing the video, Chris took a breath and tried again. “You wanna talk or…?”

Josh glanced up from the book, the vaguest of questions forming behind his eyes.

“You don’t _have_ to,” he added quickly, “but--”

“It’s cool.”

“...Yeah?”

Chris had half-expected Josh to irritably brush off the suggestion. The detached, almost cheery dismissal he received instead was out of place.

“Yeah, man. I’m good.”

But Josh didn’t look good. It was there in the weak smile he gave - a gesture that didn’t quite meet his eyes - the fleeting, automatic reflex swiftly fading to that distant look again as his attention returned to his lap.

“You sure? ‘Cause…”

“Uh-huh.”

Chris went to speak but faltered, mouth falling shut. And just like that, he was alone again, sitting on the outside of something he didn’t quite understand.

The uncertainty was the worst. Most of the time, he knew exactly where he stood, but at times like this he didn’t know what to do. Had he done something wrong? Was he pushing too hard? Should he leave Josh alone?

Everything was simpler when they were younger. With a safety net of friends and family back home to rely on, it had been… well, not _easy_ , exactly. Easi _er_ , perhaps?

_Stop._

Chris cut the thought short and pushed down the guilty feeling it provoked. It wasn’t helping.

He suppressed a sigh, his thoughts returning to an equally miserable day weeks prior; the culmination of miscommunication and crossed wires. Their first real ‘fight’, if you could call it that. It hadn’t been _all_ bad. Talking it out, venting his frustration and finally gaining a little insight into a part of Josh’s life that had been off-limits till then had been a good thing. Reassuring, even. But it had also made Chris wary, or perhaps just more self-aware. 

_“...I just wanna be your… boyfriend. Not your problem. Okay?”_

Josh didn’t want to be mollycoddled, he’d made that perfectly clear, so they'd settled on a compromise; Chris promising not to fret so much and Josh promising to talk more. Still, it was difficult maintaining the hands-off approach sometimes when instinct told him otherwise, especially when Josh was welching on his side of the bargain.

Another sigh escaped him before he even realised, not that Josh seemed to notice. Resigned to silence, Chris slumped back against the bookcase, staring blankly at his laptop once more.

\--

He heard the soft exhale; tired and drawn-out. He sensed the blond shifting; restless beneath a facade of indifference. But Josh didn’t look up.

The words on the page had become little more than shapes; impenetrable blocks of prose that eluded him; unknown countries on a map populated by illegible symbols. Some other time, it might have sunk in, but not now. Today his mind was Teflon, repelling every last drop of information.

He swallowed; thick, foreign and distant. A sensation so many steps removed from himself.

_I am right here and I’m okay._

He heard breathing: calm and steady like a well-oiled machine. He watched fingers turn the page - _his_ fingers, he supposed - but it was a token gesture. Smoothing the paper with his palm, he was simply going through the motions.

_I am right here..._

It wasn’t working. But then, he wasn’t trying. Not hard. Not really.

Josh was used to the ups; the boundless energy and enthusiasm, whether healthy or not. In hindsight, he saw them clear as day. And the downs? He knew when he was at the bottom looking up, there was no mistaking it. But this middle ground was different. The middle came without warning, quiet and insidious, unnoticed till it was too late to act. The middle dug its heels in and refused to budge while it picked loose the strings tethering him to himself. The middle didn't care.

The worst part was that he didn’t even want to do anything about it.

_Not true._

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t _completely_ true. Living outside himself, it was easy to see the problem. He’d been here before and knew what was happening, but it didn't matter. Despite that knowledge, it was difficult to get out of his head, or rather, get back into himself. He wanted to do something about it. On some level, of course he did. But his interest in fixing it - his interest in everything - had dissipated, leaving him limp and ineffectual. The inclination just wasn’t there.

Did it matter?

_Maybe. Probably?_

His eyes focused and tried to take in the new mess of words, but the effort was spent as quickly as it came and he was left staring at a stranger’s hands again.

_“Do you know what depersonalization is, Joshua?”_

He knew. It was a neat label for another messy problem, meant to reassure and comfort. The label let them pretend they understood. But the label didn’t tether him or ground him or help. It was just a word.

Set loose from its moorings, his mind drifted to other places. Back to the start.

_“How’s college, sweetie?”_

Weekend at home. Family dinner. Table for two.

_“Is dad coming?”_

Apologetic smile. Same old excuses. Change the subject.

_“The girls?”_

Empty rooms. Widening gaps. Growing distance.

It was textbook stuff.

He'd had a lifetime of practice when it came to identifying the patterns and triggers. It was all about change or lack thereof, that much he understood. The good things changed while the bad things stayed the same. Everyone weighed anchor and he was left standing on the shore, watching them sail away.

Everything had a cause. Everything was connected, even if he wasn’t.

_You have to stop doing this._

It was a fact, plain and simple, not thought with any real urgency or worry, if only because such feelings were beyond his reach, as if he was viewing them through a thick pane of indifference. 

_I am right here and I’m okay. I’m right here and I’m…_

More pointless, hollow words.

Staring at the pages, Josh sighed; a weary, unconscious sound.

\--

Chris knew he was doing it again, picking at it like a scab, but it was hard not to when Josh was sitting there looking so fucking miserable. If Josh would just say _something_ then at least he’d know what to do.

With a sense of a finality, he closed his laptop and set it aside. “Josh?”

Josh looked up, blank expression firmly in place. “Yeah?”

“...You don’t _seem_ okay.”

“Yeah,” Josh replied, shrugging. “I am.”

Blue eyes scrutinised him through clear lenses.

“I _am_.”

The protest was weak at best, but Josh put on a smile; the same one he used back home to keep his parents off his back.

Judging by Chris’ raised eyebrow, it wasn’t working this time.

"Seriously, dude. What is going on with you?"

Josh recognised that look - the familiar mix of sympathy and concern - though he couldn’t connect with it. The question was simple enough; another open-ended query inviting whatever reply he wanted to give. But how was he supposed to explain himself without sounding like he was losing it?

“Don’t worry about it.”

“...Seriously? You’re doing this?” 

Josh didn’t answer. It was easier not to. It wasn’t like there was anything Chris could do about it, so why bother?

“Have I... done something or…?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Josh heard Chris’ exasperated exhale and saw the wounded look in his eye, but he didn’t comment. With nothing else to stay, his attention returned to his lap.

“Hey, _look_ at me.”

Chris’ words weren’t harsh nor angry, but spoken forcefully enough for Josh to comply. Josh sensed it then: something close to irritation, felt distantly perhaps, but not even that was within his reach; the feeling far too personal to properly engage with. He was simply observing it. In the expectant silence, he fought the urge to look away. 

Chris was quiet for a long moment. Finally, he spoke.

“What would make you happy?”

“...What?”

“Happy. Right now. Anything.”

Honestly? Josh wasn't _un_ happy exactly. Just… nothing. Numb, almost. Chris was oversimplifying it, but it wasn't his fault. He didn't know it wasn't a simple case of happy or sad.

_Then tell him that._

But he didn’t. Instead, Josh’s frown became a smile; empty and automatic.

“I'm not unhappy, man.”

The words felt hollow, like someone else was saying them. The same as all the others he’d reeled off in the days spent as a bystander looking in on his own life.

“Then why are you acting like--”

Chris stopped himself, biting back frustration. He was prying again - breaking the tacit agreement he’d made with himself not to - but Josh wasn’t making it easy. The unwillingness to talk was one thing, he could just about stomach it, but Josh looked lost; foggy around the edges. Different. Chris had known him long enough to recognise that something was wrong, no matter how much Josh protested.

He took a deep breath. Getting worked up about it wasn’t going to help either of them.

His hand crept to Josh’s ankle, slipping beneath his sock to stroke lazy circles against his skin. “Look, I know it’s not about me or what I think. I know that, but... I don't like seeing you like this.”

If Josh was listening, it didn’t seem to register. It was difficult to know what was going on behind his blank expression, dark green eyes giving nothing away.

Chris waited for the inevitable dismissive reply, but none came.

“Fine.”

Josh watched Chris’ shoulders sag under the weight of the wearily spoken word, fingers stilling against his ankle as he glanced away, giving Josh a moment’s respite from his gaze.

“I can leave you alone if you want?” Chris asked, sounding tired. “I mean, I don’t _want_ to. But if it’ll help?”

_I’m such hard work._

There it was: a feeling - the first one Josh had connected with in a while - an unpleasant pang of regret. Chris had his own shit to deal with, but there he was, forced to play the same role despite the talk they’d had. Chris seemed worn down, sitting there with grudging acceptance as he tried to placate him. But he was trying. Always trying.

_Talk to him._

The suggestion was obvious; Chris deserved more than deflection. But right then it felt like a monumental effort to pull his thoughts together into something Chris could understand. It didn’t help that he was bored of his own words before he’d even said them. 

Still, Josh tried.

“I’m just…” Josh tapped his head and trailed off to a weak shrug.

It was harder than he'd thought it would be.

_Talk better._

“...I’m not feeling like myself, you know? Just kinda off today.”

It was a vague way of putting it, downplaying it for sure, but talking felt difficult, like he was on his own a long way from home.

Regardless, Chris perked up. Josh hadn’t said much, but acknowledging that something wasn’t right? It was enough for now.

“Anything I can do?”

Josh frowned as his thoughts turned inward. Chris could tell he was struggling, working himself up.

He didn’t want that.

“Hey…” Chris’ voice softened, thumb smoothing over Josh’s skin. He paused, choosing his words carefully. “You don’t have to talk. But whatever it is? It’s gonna be okay. And while it’s not?” He shrugged. “I’m here. You know that, right?”

Josh nodded, features relaxing with palpable relief. Chris followed the silent movements of his eyes, so lost in thought Chris could almost see the gears turning. Something was stirring there now, just below the surface, something uncomfortable and troubled.

_What now?_

Sitting in the library wasn’t helping, Chris knew that much, and it didn’t seem like Josh was going to talk anytime soon. Maybe distraction wouldn’t be such a bad thing, at least until Josh wanted to open up. 

Josh met his eye. At least he was actually looking at him again.

It was a start.

“You wanna go home and watch stuff or something?” Chris leaned forward and chanced a smile; small and teasing. “Not judging, but you are the world's _slowest_ reader.” 

Josh looked down at the book with a weak, self-deprecating smile. The transparent attempt to clear the air and coax him back to normality wasn’t exactly subtle. But the thought was there, he recognised that much.

“Could maybe play something?” Chris continued, smirking at the raised eyebrow he received. “I'll go easy on you. One-handed. Blindfolded. Whatever you like.”

“How bad do you think I am?” Josh asked, lips curling ever so slightly.

“ _Well_ , I mean…”

Josh could see Chris brightening, the sight instilling his own flat mood with something more positive. It was helping, if only a little.

He glanced down at the pages. Feeling a little surer of himself, he met Chris’ eye again. “Home, huh?”

“Well, yeah.” It took Chris a second to catch the distinction. Realising, he corrected himself. “Not _home_ home, but… yeah, home.”

Josh's slight smile broadened of its own accord. Given new context, the word sounded strange; a term no longer reserved for that childhood place so many miles away.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Josh replied, and was surprised to find that he actually meant it. 

“Alright, bro.” Chris gave Josh an encouraging smile. “Let’s do it.”

With the matter settled, Josh packed his belongings away. When he looked up, Chris was standing over him, holding out his hand.

Chris helped Josh to his feet with an exaggerated groan then turned to fetch his coat, but was stopped by grasping fingers.

“I'm…” Josh let go of Chris’ sleeve, hand retreating to his side. “I’m sorry, man. I'm just-- I keep zoning out and…” He trailed off to a sheepish shrug, rendered awkward by Chris' questioning stare. “...sorry.”

Chris brushed imaginary dust from Josh’s shirt, hand resting on the brunette’s shoulder before it fell away. “Don’t worry, dude. Nothing to apologise for.” 

He thought to say more, to follow up with something substantial, but was loathed to push his luck when Josh was finally warming to him.

_Keep it light._

“We good?” he asked, cocking his head to one side.

Josh felt Chris’ hand slip into his own. “Yeah. Yeah, we're good.”

Proving the point, Josh squeezed Chris’ hand, the gesture marked by a pleasant swell of affection as Chris’ lips quirked into a smile. 

“Good.”

Josh had never been big on PDAs, but he gave the blond a pass this time; his chin instinctively finding a place on Chris' shoulder when Chris pulled him into a hug. Held close in the quiet, Josh breathed him in.

“J?”

“Yeah?”

Chris pulled back, one arm strung loosely around Josh’s waist, the other finding Josh’s hand again. “You got any overdue books?”

Josh blinked, blindsided by the question. “Uh...”

He tried to remember. He didn’t think so, but--

“...‘Cause you’ve got _fine_ written all over you.”

Josh groaned, barely suppressing an eyeroll as Chris’ deadpan expression slowly faded, cracking into a wry smile. “How long have you been waiting to drop that on me?” 

“Like, an hour,” Chris admitted, smile widening to a grin. “There’s more where that came from.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Maybe.” Chris leaned in, sealing the moment with a fleeting kiss, little more than a brush of lips. His smile softened. “So... we’re good, right?”

“Yeah, man. I said we’re--”

“Just checking we’re on the same page.”

Josh’s face dropped.

“...Same _page_?” Chris pressed, quirking an eyebrow.

“Really, bro?”

“You get it?” Chris asked innocently. “Because we’re in the library and--”

“Bro, I got it.”

“You didn't laugh.”

“It wasn't funny.”

“Pfft…” Chris dismissed the comment with a nonchalant shrug. “I’m funnier than you think.”

“ _Sure_ you are.”

Josh met Chris’ amusement with a soft smile. The words were coming readily to him now, plucked instinctively from the air, but not in the numb, machinelike way he’d filled the blank spaces of their conversations till then. There was weight behind what he said, something he didn’t have to force quite so much. Laughter helped. It was easy to forget that sometimes.

Chris snickered. He knew he was getting ahead of himself, but still couldn’t quite quell his cautious optimism. Josh’s ridicule sounded good and his smile was more convincing than before, reassuringly genuine. It felt easier. Just a bit.

Feeling bold, he kissed Josh again, chuckling against his mouth until the sound faded to nothing.

It was strange: the little things you missed without realising.

Left to his own devices, their weekend apart had stretched on, not that Chris minded at the time. He’d missed Josh, if only in that simple way you felt the absence of anyone you cared about. But even upon Josh’s return, he'd felt that absence. Josh was there, but he hadn't really come back, his mind elsewhere. Chris had been waiting for him to return, whether he knew it or not.

It took Chris a moment to process the change of mood, unexpected but not at all unwelcome, the simple press of lips giving way to something more profound as Josh’s fingers tightened, gently squeezing his arm. He closed his eyes, giving in to the inviting warmth of Josh’s mouth as a hesitant flicker of tongue coaxed his lips apart; the slow, unhurried movements fuelling the slow flush of warmth blossoming in his chest.

Eventually, Chris pulled away, pleasantly surprised. “ _Well_ ….”

Josh’s lips twitched with the makings of a smile; a small, strangely bashful look that only further endeared him to the blond. “ _Well_.”

Josh didn’t know what had made him do it. Instinct perhaps. But it felt like more than that. He could have let the moment pass, but he hadn’t. He’d actually wanted to.

Chris peered down at him, blinking and smiling as the brunette’s hands came up to rest on his chest. 

“So, that’s your game, huh?” Chris asked, gathering Josh up more securely in his arms. “Lure me here under false pretences? Have your way with me, that whole deal?”

Josh huffed amusement. “Something like that.”

“Sneaky,” Chris smirked, narrowing his eyes.

“You know me. Criminal mastermind.”

“Straight up _devious_ , bro.”

Josh matched Chris’ lopsided smile as the quiet opened up around them, the moment stretching out into comfortable silence. The lull felt easier this time, no longer quite so strained by the deadening weight of broken thoughts.

Chris traced the curve of Josh’s ear with his fingertips, hand trailing to his neck. “You, um… you wanna head back?”

Josh paused, frowning thoughtfully. Based on his latest fruitless attempt, studying seemed pointless. Indulging Chris’ desire to leave was the obvious choice, but...

_What do I want?_

That was it, wasn’t it? The million dollar question. Recent days had come and gone without ambition or desire, his time spent wallowing in apathy without opinion.

_And now?_

After feeling like the world was slipping through his fingers, he finally had a hold of something. He was making a connection, slowly hitching himself to firm ground. Talking about stuff - _real_ stuff - wasn’t easy. But this? Being with Chris? He _knew_ this.

“No.”

“...No?”

The show of deliberation was momentary. With Chris’ arms around him, warm blue eyes searching his own, the desire to leave that quiet corner held little appeal.

“No.”

Tilting his head, Josh closed his eyes and met Chris’ mouth again, lips parting with a soft sigh. 

Making out in the library wasn't new. They weren’t the first couple to go there for something more than the pursuit of knowledge. But, given Josh’s listless mood, the possibility hadn’t even crossed Chris’ mind. Not that he was complaining, not one bit. Perhaps some other time he might have wondered what had sparked the change, maybe questioned it or treated it with caution, but it was difficult to dwell on it when Josh was so warm and willing and _there_.

He slid his hand under Josh’s shirt and closed his eyes, settling into a slow trade of kisses, fingers curling along Josh’s jaw, encouraged by the slow slide of Josh’s tongue against his own.

Sometimes it was better not to question a good thing.

Josh leaned into Chris’ touch - Chris’ neck a warm weight against his palm - and sighed, running his fingers through blonde hair as roaming hands smoothed across his skin.

He felt it then: a rare flush of warmth pooling in his veins. Not a click, nor a sudden flick of a switch, but _something_. A change - a _good_ change - unintentional and instinctive; driven by muscle memory and the stirring of dormant heat. A slow, subtle shift from momentary affection to something more.

The sensations seemed foreign after time spent without, but he remembered them now; the pieces slotting together one by one as he took ownership of them. That was _his_ hand splayed in Chris' hair, _his_ mouth teasing a soft sound of approval from the blond, _his_ spine pressed against the shelf behind him.

His stomach tightened; an achy heat settling in his belly, prompted by the press of Chris’ hips against his own. Yes, he knew this, and for the first time in a while, he was starting to feel in control of himself. But even now, pressed together so many layers, he still felt the distance.

His hands retreated to the meagre space between them, pushing Chris’ sweater up over his stomach. He opened his eyes to find Chris looking back at him - not startled exactly, but certainly surprised. There was a question there, Chris’ gaze flicking distractedly between Josh’s eyes and mouth.

Josh hesitated. Boundaries had been difficult to gauge lately, but this _felt_ okay.

_“What would make you happy?”_

Not happy, it wasn't that straightforward, but he wanted the moment of clarity to last; the first thing he'd wanted for what felt like forever. Chris was a solid fact beneath his hands, something tangible and familiar. He didn’t want to lose that.

Chris looked down between them. With Josh’s hand trailing along the waistband of his jeans, fingers toying with his belt buckle, it didn’t take much guesswork to figure out his intentions. 

He glanced along the deserted aisle, catching distant fragments of conversation beyond the rows of books; hushed inane chatter, barely audible, but close enough to give him pause. 

Meeting no resistance, Josh slowly teased Chris’ belt loose, unfastening it with a click of metal. 

“...Yeah?” Chris asked, voice softening to a whisper.

Josh let his hand answer for him; zip held between his fingers, dragging downwards.

Chris blinked, a short burst of nervous laughter escaping him. They were alone, and it would probably stay that way unless the one guy majoring in medieval agriculture decided to pay a visit. But it was the middle of the day. This wasn't the shower or a restroom or anywhere even remotely private. This was actually sort of risky.

...He wasn't exactly stopping him though.

“Dude, if we get caught…”

Josh’s eyebrows twitched with an unspoken thought, green eyes peering up at him through inky-black lashes; dark and persuasive. “No one comes here.”

Chris kneaded Josh’s sides while he mulled it over, but there was little to consider. With Josh gently tugging at his zipper, mouth temptingly close, he wasn’t exactly thinking with his head. They could wind things down, endure the bus ride and wait till they were back at the dorms. But right then, the privacy of their room seemed a hell of a long way away. 

A final glance confirmed they were still alone. 

_Man_ , it had been a while.

Reassured, Chris kissed Josh again, reaching between them to unbutton Josh’s jeans; the pair fumbling with zips and denim. 

Despite his best efforts, it felt like they were being too loud, not that there was anything he could really do about it. He sure as hell wasn’t going to stop kissing Josh anytime soon, he knew that much. Someone could turn that corner any second; the thin walls of books the only barriers separating them from the library beyond. But with Josh’s fingers tangling in his hair, reciprocating with a keenness he’d lacked since his return, it felt like a risk worth taking.

He sought Josh out with restless hands; one clasping his jaw while the other followed the curve of his ass through his jeans. Gently urging Josh against him, Chris felt him stir, twitching beneath the thin material.

Still, a question played on Chris’ mind; a quiet, faraway thought he couldn’t quite ignore. The shift in gears was unexpected; a speedy acceleration from neutral to fifth with nothing in-between. Josh had surprised him before, was spontaneous when he wanted to be, but this felt different. Did Josh want this or was it just some sort of crude apology?

He considered slowing things down, maybe taking a step back, but the thought soon passed, questions melting away when Josh’s hand slipped inside his jeans; deft fingers making short work of his defenses. Biting back a curse, he followed Josh’s lead, caressing him through his shorts, and when he felt Josh pushing back against his hand, there was no doubt in his mind how on board Josh was anymore.

Josh sensed he should be more concerned - about being caught, being seen, being heard - but it was difficult to worry about much of anything with Chris’ lips against his own, tongue stroking its way into his mouth; concern outweighed by Chris’ hands smoothing down his sides as he pulled the blond closer, blindly stepping backwards until he felt the hard edge of a shelf against his shoulders.

Pressed against the bookcase, he couldn’t claim this was how he’d seen the afternoon playing out. He’d been stuck in limbo for so long that the future had seemed like a dreary, unpromising place. But he was there now, taking back control even as he lost it. That was _his_ hand prying the elastic away from Chris’ skin, _his_ fingers curling around Chris’ dick as he freed him from his boxers, _his_ need pressed against Chris’ hand through a thin layer of cotton, achingly hard.

He felt Chris shudder and swallowed down the quiet moan his touch provoked, distracted by the warm weight in his hand.

_I’m right here and--_

He didn't get a chance to finish the thought, the words stuttering and fading when Chris clasped a little too hard along his waist.

“ _Dude_ …” Chris glanced nervously behind him. His face was tight around the edges, expression torn between desire and concern as his mouth formed silent shapes, finally settling into a tentative smile. “...Look-out?”

Josh met the hushed mischief in Chris’ eyes with a breathy puff of amusement. It wasn’t the first time the blond had asked him to keep watch. They’d done it plenty of times over the years; creeping around the house after lights out, that time they’d bailed on gym class to hit up the Landmark; sneaking out of school like they were fucking badasses or something. Granted, this was a different spin on it, but the principle was the same.

A silent nod was all it took.

Josh peered down the aisle over Chris’ shoulder, sucking in a breath as Chris eased him free and took him in hand. His task was easy enough in theory, but what exactly was he supposed to do if someone _did_ come around the corner? Chris was standing in a way that afforded them a little modesty, but it would be difficult to disguise what they were doing.

The thought made Josh nervous, but he felt it differently; anxiety manifesting as a strange thrill that buzzed beneath his skin.

...Did he... _want_ to get caught?

Josh licked his lips, hand steadily pumping.

_Leave the self-analysis bullshit for later._

He felt the heat of Chris’ mouth beside his ear, warming his skin with unsteady breaths that made his toes curl. A flick of Chris’ wrist and his eyes fluttered closed, mouth falling open with a sound somewhere between a groan and a sigh. 

“Shh…”

The warning was half-hearted at best, but Josh obeyed, opening his eyes.

Pulling back a little, Chris watched Josh’s face shift and relax as his fingers traced the hair along Chris’ nape. He looked down between them as Josh worked him in his grip, hand moving with a stubborn insistence while he stared off into the distance. It felt like they were rushing, but Chris followed suit, panting softly between hungrily snatched kisses. It wasn’t like they could afford to hang around. 

He remembered the first time: a lazy evening of movies and junk food that became something else entirely when Josh gave him a look he’d since come to recognise. And it was good. Still good. Before they’d taken that final step, this had been a welcome go-to. Wrapped up together beneath the sheets, bleary-eyed and half-asleep, it was still a fucking _great_ way to start the day, there was no denying that. But, now that they’d been seeing each other for a while, they were kind of beyond that. Now that he knew how Josh tasted, how he sounded, how he _felt_...

The tempting thoughts played on his mind, guiding his hand, eyes flicking up to look into Josh's; so dark and hungry that he couldn’t look away. He watched Josh spit into his hand, his other tightening along the line of Chris’ shoulder as he wrapped his fingers around him once more.

Chris smothered a sound, trapping it in his throat, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the possibilities. The idea of Josh beneath him - naked and eager - of getting his mouth around him and making him twitch and moan--

“So _she_ said--”

“I know, right? What the actual fuck?”

Chris grasped Josh’s waist, hand stilling. He risked a glance behind him, but they were alone; the conversation taking place on the other side of the bookcase.

“What do you expect? It’s not like they were together long.”

“Yeah, but his best friend? That’s fucking _harsh_.”

“I know. They break up for what, a week? And she’s all over him.”

“ _So_ harsh.”

Chris strained his ears and listened for signs of movement. It didn’t sound like the girls were heading over, but they were still _way _too close for comfort.__

___Come on…_ _ _

___Man_ , he wished they were back at the dorms. They really, really, _really_ should have gone back. With Josh pinned against the bookcase, so hot and hard and close, the idea of having to stop was almost too much. _ _

__He searched Josh’s gaze, expecting to find his own misgivings staring back at him, but Josh didn’t look worried. He watched a silent thought pass over Josh’s face, eyes lit by something unspoken._ _

__Without a word, Josh gently squeezed, slowly tracing the head of Chris’ dick with his fingertip._ _

__Chris let out a sharp exhale, eyes widening as he mouthed mute protest, but Josh was undeterred. He held Chris’ gaze, but there was no apology there, just a silent dare in his eye as he smoothed his fingers over him, beads of precum smearing under his thumb._ _

__Josh’s lips twitched into a fond smirk as Chris’ grip tightened on his waist. He’d almost forgotten how easy it was to get a rise out of Chris. He clung to the feeling, turning it over in his mind and holding it close, relishing the flustered little noise Chris made as he trapped his lip firmly between his teeth to keep more treacherous sounds at bay._ _

__“What a bitch.”_ _

__“I _know_.”_ _

__The voices grew soft and distant until they faded from hearing entirely. The girls had gone._ _

__“ _Man_ ,” Chris whispered, letting out the breath he’d been hoarding up._ _

__“Mhm...”_ _

__Chris glared weakly, but it was hard to feign irritation while he was so worked up, expert fingers squeezing around him just right. If anything, it only seemed to encourage Josh, feeble protest ebbing away in a heartbeat as the brunette shored up his grip._ _

__Josh peered up at him, hazy green eyes seeking out approval as he answered Chris’ apprehension with a slow, persuasive drag of his hand. “Still wanna head back?”_ _

__Chris met the challenge in Josh's eye with a breathless grin, expression shifting between disbelief and poorly disguised want. “Fuck you.”_ _

__Whatever smartass reply Josh thought to give was left unsaid. He closed his eyes, pushing back just as hard when Chris pulled him into a bruising kiss, overcome by a rush of heat as Chris claimed his mouth and eagerly matched his touch._ _

__He broke away and leaned against the shelves behind him, head tilted back, and soon Chris’ mouth was at his throat, sucking a hard bruise into his skin._ _

__Josh bit his lip. God fucking _damn_ , he was aching for it now; so close yet seemingly so far away. In the wake of those lost days - a small eternity to his unbound mind - the hot flurry of emotions was almost overwhelming, but he welcomed them. After sleepwalking for so long, he was finally awake and wound up so tightly he felt like he might snap._ _

__“Fuck...”_ _

__He opened his eyes to the fierce clarity of Chris looking back at him, face marked with tension, cheeks flushed with colour, and in that moment, Josh knew what he wanted._ _

___I am right--_ _ _

__“Here,” Josh breathed, combing a shaky hand through Chris' hair._ _

__Incomprehension clouded Chris’ features, as though he might have misheard._ _

__“Right here,” Josh pressed._ _

__Chris winced as Josh’s fingers tightened in his hair. Finally, it clicked. He didn’t say a word, but the slight lift of his eyebrows was enough to ask the question._ _

__Josh grasped Chris' shoulder, kneading him through his sweater. Maybe it was something said in the heat of the moment that he hadn’t thought through, something unplanned and unprepared. But Josh knew one thing for certain. It was _him_ saying it. Definitely him._ _

__Did he mean it?_ _

__Josh nodded, punctuating the gesture with long, convincing strokes of his hand, slow and relentless._ _

__“I don’t...” Chris swallowed, eyes glossing over with fresh hunger as Josh changed his grip. “I don’t have a--”_ _

__“Don’t care.”_ _

__“But--”_ _

__Josh nipped Chris’ lip, nudging Chris’ nose with his own._ _

__“Nobody comes here,” Josh whispered, more surely than before._ _

__Conflict troubled Chris’ brow. He was pretty certain the college didn’t look favourably on students hooking up in the library, and he was _absolutely_ certain he didn’t want to explain to his parents why his education had been cut short if they got caught. He hadn’t brought protection either, but that was hardly his fault. It wasn’t something he thought he’d need to bring to a study session. Why would he?_ _

__Fuck, it was tempting, though. Really fucking tempting. One for the bucket list, for sure. Josh was switched on, back with him; hot and mussed up, so hard and eager in his hand. So _present_._ _

__“Are you-- I… you sure you…” Chris’ jumbled words lost steam and petered out under the weight of Josh’s stare._ _

__“...You don’t?”_ _

__Hesitation stripped the goading edge from Josh’s question, rendering it strangely sincere, and when Chris saw the doubt creeping back into Josh’s features, he wanted nothing more than to rid him of it._ _

__A shaky nod and Josh’s mouth was on his, hungry and needy, heady little breaths filling the narrow space between them, only adding to the want he felt. Throwing a glance over Chris’ shoulder, Josh fumbled between them, pushing at denim with hurried movements that still somehow seemed too slow. He turned around, belt rattling as he shucked down his jeans, material gathering at his knees._ _

___Shit…_ _ _

__Chris smoothed his hands over bare skin, gaze drawn to the firm flesh beneath his palms. Unable to resist, he pulled Josh against him, the kiss of skin on skin sparking along his nerves as Josh shifted his hands, bracing himself on the shelves in front of him._ _

___Shit, this is actually happening._ _ _

__It was a surreal thought, one Chris didn’t have time to dwell on. His senses were on high alert, the worry never quite leaving him, but with Josh pressed up against him, stopping was the last thing on his mind._ _

__He sucked on his fingers, coating them thoroughly while he held Josh in a possessive grip, slick digits sliding between his buttocks in a token gesture that had Josh pressing back against his hand._ _

__Another glance along the aisle. Still alone._ _

__His attention returned to Josh, fingers curling inside him for one fleeting moment that had Josh clenching hard around him, breathing harshly through his nose as Chris pulled away._ _

___You are actually doing this. Right now._ _ _

__Chris tugged at his jeans, easing them farther down his thighs, then held his hand to his mouth and spat into his palm. A few brief strokes later, he latched onto Josh’s hip, dick gripped in one hand as he looked down between them, lining himself up. He felt Josh stiffen, shoulders tensing as he slowly pushed up into tight heat, and watched, transfixed by the sight as their bodies met, gradually sinking into him until he was swallowed whole._ _

__Holding Josh flush against him, Chris stopped._ _

___Holy sh…_ _ _

__He nudged Josh’s shirt farther up his back, material creasing under his fingers._ _

___Fuuuck._ _ _

__Chris fought back a groan. He hadn’t known how different it would feel without that meagre barrier between them, constricting heat hugging every hard inch of him, so hot and tight his legs felt weak. Maybe it was a psychological thing. _Maybe_. Either way, he could barely think straight._ _

__His hands searched for purchase; grasping Josh’s waist and trailing greedy lines along his sides. At last, they stopped to clutch Josh’s hips again, the hard lines of Josh's pelvis snared beneath his fingers as the brunette pushed back against his hands. Slowly, he began to move._ _

__“Nnh--”_ _

__Josh clamped his mouth shut. It somehow felt like he was wearing too much and too little at the same time, but it was a momentary thought, overridden by the sensation of Chris buried deep inside him, the slow slide as he pulled back, and the bittersweet sting of blunt nails raking over his skin. He could hear Chris behind him, trying hard to keep quiet, every trembling breath marked by an audible strain._ _

__Josh shuddered and arched his back, pushing away from the shelf to meet Chris’ thrusts. Holding himself up, he closed his eyes and focused on the slow, steady rhythm of Chris’ hips until he lost himself to it._ _

__“Ah--”_ _

__Josh caught the slip a second too late, but Chris didn’t try to quieten him. Spurred on, Chris picked up the pace, low hisses escaping through gritted teeth as he hit his stride._ _

__“ _Hah_ \--”_ _

__Chris’ hips bucked, eyes screwing shut for one bright moment; the breathy exhale sending a jolt of heat straight to his dick. Some other time, he would’ve welcomed the lapse. Encouraged it, even. But they couldn’t afford to be noisy, not now, no matter how much he wanted to be._ _

__“Shh-- _mmh…_ ”_ _

__He gripped Josh's ass tightly in his hands and clenched his jaw, stifling a groan. He was getting pretty close already, and Josh’s ragged little breaths and moans weren’t helping _at all_._ _

__His hand slid up under Josh's shirt, smoothing across Josh’s stomach as he reached around to grasp his dick, stroking Josh with dogged determination._ _

__He needed Josh to come. He needed him to come so badly it was all he could think about._ _

__Holding the shelf with one hand, Josh turned his head, torso twisting as he reached behind him to clasp Chris’ neck, pulling him into a clumsy kiss. Chris groaned into his mouth, hips moving, working Josh through his fist until Josh brushed his hand aside, taking over._ _

__Josh kissed him again and again, catching Chris’ lips between his teeth in hungry bites before his mouth trailed to Chris’ chin, voice reduced to a whisper. “Hnn… hah-- _harder_.” _ _

__Chris didn't even hesitate, breathing hard while he tried and failed to avoid the slap of skin on skin, hips canting up with renewed vigour._ _

__“Ohh _fuck_ …”_ _

__The curse was quiet and strained, lodging in Josh’s throat as he turned away, searching the shelf for leverage. The words on the book spines in front of him were blurry smudges, barely registered, but it didn’t matter. He didn’t care._ _

__He felt it all so clearly; the hands holding his waist in a bruising grip; the hard length stroking him from the inside, filling him up; the cold press of Chris’ belt buckle against his thigh as the blond steadily fucked into him, coherent thought falling away with each thrust._ _

__A tangle of disjointed words escaped him, wrapped up in a breath, let loose before Josh could stop himself. The grip on his waist tightened._ _

__Yes, he felt it now, but without the numbing fog hanging heavy over him, it was almost all too much; everything magnified to such an extent that he wasn’t sure he could handle it. But all he could do was stand there and let it happen, the sensations washing over him like so many waves till he was worn down to nothing but the ache coiling in his stomach._ _

__“ _Unh_...”_ _

__The sound was soft, barely above a breath, but Josh heard Chris clear as day._ _

__He closed his eyes, hand quickening._ _

__They had to keep quiet, Josh knew that; the thought felt distantly on the fringes of his mind. What if someone heard them and came over to investigate? Hell, there could be someone _right there, right now_ watching them from the end of the aisle and there wasn't a thing they could do about it._ _

__Josh clung to the bookcase, struggling to keep his breathing steady as a frisson of nervous excitement twisted along his spine, driven home by every thrust. He sank forward, forearm pressed against the shelf, mouth pressed against his clenched fist as he held back the moan perched in his throat._ _

___Right there, right now._ _ _

__Chris didn’t let up as Josh pushed back against his thrusts, Josh’s eyes screwing shut as tense fingers dug into his skin. He could feel the pressure building, his pulse racing, his entire body yearning for release. He could feel Chris’ breath against his neck._ _

__He could feel _everything.__ _

___Right... There._ _ _

__“Nnh- _uhh_ …”_ _

__Chris heard the muffled sound, but he didn’t have to. The sight of Josh’s arm curled under him, moving quick and desperate, and the feeling of Josh tensing around him were all the confirmation he needed._ _

___Oh, thank fuck._ _ _

__Chris worked Josh through it with urgent thrusts, the last of his self-restraint waning to nothing, and as Josh’s back rose and fell with heavy breaths, he found himself thinking the one thing he never thought when it came to sex; the words rushing through him and running together._ _

___Hurryuphurryuphurryup..._ _ _

__As it turned out, that wasn’t a problem._ _

__His hips stalled, a choked-up sound catching in his throat as he pulled out, gripping Josh’s ass tightly in one hand as he fucked the other. A few brief, frantic strokes later, he came, jaw hanging open as he spilled over his hand._ _

__Chris stood there, dumbfounded in the quiet aftermath, grip slowly loosening as he caught his breath. He knew he didn’t have long to gather his thoughts, could sense it as the unwelcome moment of clarity settled over him, but for a second, it didn’t seem real._ _

___I’ve got my dick out in the library. Pretty sure I’m not dreaming._ _ _

__He looked down and grimaced._ _

__“Shit.”_ _

__It was real. Messy and sticky and real._ _

__The worry returned, nagging at him with an irritating urgency. If someone caught them like _this_..._ _

__Josh opened his eyes when he heard the quiet curse, the world slowly coming back into focus, bit by bit. He felt worn down and dazed, but there was no time to bask in the afterglow._ _

__He looked around - glancing down at his hand, scanning the shelves, the books, the carpet by his feet - and was met with a sobering sight._ _

__His mess. Definitely _his_ mess._ _

___I... did not think this through._ _ _

__Still dazed, Josh pushed up from the shelf with renewed haste, but didn’t get far._ _

__“Wait,” Chris whispered, halting Josh with his hand. “Your shirt.”_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Your shirt, dude. I need--”_ _

__“You… fuck, really?”_ _

__“Yeah...”_ _

__Josh’s instinct was to bitch, but he let the gripe go. Listening out for sounds of anyone approaching, he shrugged off his shirt and passed it behind him. “Hurry up.”_ _

__A flustered bout of laughter was all the reply Chris gave as he ran the shirt over Josh with rough, hurried strokes. Cleaned up, Josh hastily hitched up his jeans, fastening his belt as he turned around._ _

__“Here,” Chris said, handing Josh his shirt._ _

__“Thanks?”_ _

__Chris met Josh’s miffed look with an apologetic shrug, chuckling despite himself. “You okay?”_ _

__Josh looked down at the balled-up shirt and wrinkled his nose. “I feel pretty gross right now, man.”_ _

__“Good gross?”_ _

__“...I guess?”_ _

__Josh let himself be kissed and mirrored Chris’ smile. He still felt off-kilter, but at least he was back on solid ground, standing on his own two feet again._ _

___Am I, though?_ _ _

__Maybe he’d been looking for a distraction, for something to ground him, and maybe he’d found it. But they hadn’t talked. Not really. Though he’d felt a connection, he couldn’t help thinking about the impermanence of it._ _

__Maybe it hadn’t solved a thing._ _

__His smile faltered momentarily as the doubt crept in._ _

___Don’t ruin this._ _ _

__Chris’ voice gently nudged Josh from his thoughts._ _

__“Dude… Seriously. We need to get the hell out of here.”_ _

__Josh chewed his lip. He was overthinking things again, a knot of anxiety tightening in his stomach. He felt like he should talk, like he _needed_ to. But Chris was right, they couldn’t hang around._ _

__“J...?” Chris pressed._ _

__Josh took a breath. They could talk later. Back home. He wasn’t okay, not yet. It was never that easy. The middle was still there, fading to pins and needles as time passed. But it _would_ be okay. He knew that now._ _

__Bottom lip bitten between his teeth, Josh met Chris’ eye. “Bail?”_ _

__Chris smirked, mouth curling at the corners. He nodded. “Bail.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [@messofcurls-creative](https://messofcurls-creative.tumblr.com/)


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